Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child (1)

Planning to read this book one hour every day.

I found myself belonging to a combination of Dismissive parents and Laissez-Faire parents, and K a Disapproving parents.  I tends to ignore their negative feelings sometimes, not to help them navigate through their feelings even though I accepted and sympathized with them.

The five steps of emotional coaching of parents are;
1. To become aware of the child's emotion;
2. To recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching;
3. To listen empathetically,  validating the child's feeling;
4. To help the child find words to label the emotion he is having; and
5. To set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.

The key for  me is to recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and coaching.  This is a starting point to change the dynamics between me and the kids.

Father's role and his interaction with the child can be much more extreme, whether good or bad.

EC doesn't mean the end of discipline.

Practice, practice and practice!!

The Tibetan way - Meditation 1

Bring your mind home. And release. And relax

Bring your mind home means to bring the mind into the state of Calm Abiding through the practice of mindfulness. Turn your mind inward and to rest in the nature of mind.

To release is to release mind from its prison of grasping, as all pain and fear and distress arise from the craving of the grasping mind.

To relax is to be spacious and to relax from the mind's tension.

Meditation is not striving, but naturally becoming assimilated into it.  We have to still the turbulence of our thoughts and emotions.

Quietly sitting, body still, speech silent, mind at peace, let thoughts and emotions, whatever arises, come and go, without clinging to anything.

-- The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Chapter 5

It is well with my soul

I have alway been touched whenever I heard or sing this song.  The story behind it is even more strikingly moving.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

 

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Tooth Fairy and Daddy

On our way to church this morning, as usual we turned on to NPR's This American Life.  The program was about child psychology, sounded interesting, so we listened on.  Without warning, the story began to talk about how a little girl found out the tooth fairy was her best friend's Dad.  I don't want the kids to listen anymore but it's too late.

T commented first, " I know, Daddy is the tooth fairy."
"Are you sure?" I replied innocently.
"Daddy and Mommy are Santa too." She continued without a pause.
The rest of the kids started rumbling on the backseats.
E protested, "if Daddy turns into the tooth fairy, then we don't have Daddy anymore."

We all burst into laugh.

变成他们

一直很喜欢读纽约客的“个人历史”栏目。看某人人生的片段或回顾，常常让我思索自己的某些经历，在记忆的迷宫中重新体味某些若隐若现的熟悉滋味。昨晚读到James Wood的这篇“Becoming Them”，从童年星期日下午他父亲所听的音乐开始，到现在目睹他们年老力衰之际的无能为力，几度想到自己的父母，泪水也涌上来。

JamesWood 写道，“I have spent my thirties and forties journeying through a long realization that I am decisively my parents's child, that I am destined to share many of their gestures and habits, and that this slow process of becoming them, or becoming more like them, is, like the Roman ave atque vale, both an address and a farewell."

下午T提早放学，我离开电脑去卧房换掉穿了大半天的睡衣，在衣橱里流连了片刻，想找到前几天突然记起来的一件深绿色毛衣，手指滑过一个个衣架一遍，两遍，最终放弃了，拿了一件灰色的毛衣套上。突然想起父母的卧房和他们的衣橱，那些叠在一起的箱柜和包袱，老式的锁眼，斑驳的油漆还有陈旧而整洁的气味。我的衣橱里叠累的衣架挂满了按季节，质料和款式分类的衣服：上班外套，短袖衬衣，长裙，短裙。。。还有薰衣草和香柏木的味道。从表面看我和他们的生活方式是多么的不同，然而在不经意的时候看到镜子中的自己，那眼神竟然像极了母亲的，肃穆而带着一点内敛。

不记得变成他们的过程是从什么时候开始的。一天，在台灯下给女儿缝补女童军的徽章和挂带时，她在旁边摆弄针线盒子里的那些纽扣和彩线，就像我小时一样。这时候有一种强烈的倾诉愿望，想讲给她听母亲在做针线活时讲过的那些家史和故事，和她分享我儿时的想象中童年的母亲穿着灰色的小棉袍，在寒冬的早晨沿着长江边的石板路上跑下来，去打美味的头汤面。在女儿不知道如何写她的第一篇作文的时候，我所做的竟然是重复母亲做过的，让她告诉我她想说的话，然后把这些话记下来。我的父母，尽管他们有他们的局限和弱点，他们确实是我人生的第一位，也是最重要的老师，我们有意或无意地效仿他们，在我们辛苦开拓的人生路径上，他们也留下了他们的印记。

上周和爸爸通电话，他说他突然意识到他所住的这层公寓楼里只剩下他一个住户了。 另外的两个邻居一个在老伴去世后终于搬到女儿家去了，另一家也搬走了。“晚上除了我家里，这里都是黑的。”他黯然地说，第一次我从电话那头听到了恐惧和孤单。

有一天他也会走了，灯关了。